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We are so sorry
for the loss of your baby. You may be surprised at the intensity of your
feelings. Expect a difficult time. For a while you may feel empty, depressed,
experience intense sadness, or have trouble sleeping. You might find that you
fight with your husband, or neglect our other children. You may feel the need
to be a child yourself, to be loved and cared for. All this is normal.
You will most likely experience some of these
feelings:
» Emptiness
» Intense Sadness
» Crying (sometimes uncontrollably)
» Isolation and loneliness
» Guilt or shame
»
Anger
» Loss of interest in everyday life
» Talking about
it all the time or finding it too painful to discuss
» Pain or
jealousy at the sight of pregnant women, babies or anything related to
motherhood
There is no sequence. Even after you have dealt with
these feelings, they can recur. Although guilt is a normal part of grief, be
reassured that nothing you did or didn't do caused the death of your baby. Your
pain will lessen over time as you accept your loss.
Sharing your
feelings with your spouse, your doctor, or a friend, can help. In some
communities, there are support groups for couples who have experienced
pregnancy loss. Turn to God if you find it comforting. Many find great solace
in their faith.
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Cry for as long
and as often as you feel you need to. Crying is a natural part of the mourning
process. As a couple and as individuals, it's important that you allow
yourselves this time to grieve.
Expect that some friends and family may
not know how to respond, and may withdraw for a while. Others, in trying to
help, may make thoughtless comments like "I know how you feel", or "You can
have another baby". If they haven't lost a baby, they can't know how it feels,
and another baby can never take the place of your baby.
Try not to set
too many expectations for yourself. You don't need to add to your anxiety by
feeling you should be over this sooner. Be patient with yourself and take the
time you need to heal. Remember that no matter what stage your baby dies, you
have a right to grieve.
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Making these
promises to yourself may help you regain hope in your life:
» I will allow myself to grieve completely, my first step
to healing.
» I will seek guidance from loving persons who may offer
wisdom and comfort.
» I will recognize the gift in my ability to
carry life however briefly.
» I will have a deep compassion and
sisterhood to other women who have experienced loss.
» I will trust
that once again I will be reunited with my baby in heaven and will fulfill the
need to hold them in my arms.
» I will feel
true comfort in knowing that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.
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Grieving a loss
can be one of the most difficult experiences a couple has to overcome. The keys
to coping as a couple are communication and the realization that each person
grieves in a different way and at their individual pace.
Your husband
may appear to be handling the situation better simply because he feels he has
to be strong for his wife, and part of that strength is shielding you from his
pain. It doesn't mean he is hurting less. Men grieve differently than women.
This is where communication will help you understand each other better.
This is a good time to reaffirm your love for one another. Grieving is
often accompanied by so many emotions that sorting through them alone can be a
difficult process. Being together or doing little things to acknowledge the
positives can assist both partners in their recovery. ...................................................................................... |
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Here are some
suggestions for helping you to honor your baby in a special way:
» Plant a tree in your baby's memory.
» Buy a
guardian angel pin with the birthstone of the month your baby would have been
born.
» Keep a journal. Write about how you felt when you found out
you were pregnant, what
your dreams were, what the loss
meant to you.
» Write a letter to your baby expressing your love for
him or her. It will give you a chance
to say the things
you never had a chance to.
» Put any keepsakes in a special box.
(congratulations cards, condolence cards, wristband
from
hospital, etc.)
» Name a star after your baby.
» Select an
item to keep as a special remembrance of your baby.
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Take care of your
body by eating properly, exercising, and sleeping well. Your body has been
through physical stress and helping it recover will help your emotional outlook
as well. It's important to have a follow-up appointment with your physician to
make sure you are healing properly.
Take care of your emotions by
seeking support from family, friends, a support group, clergy, or a counselor.
Most comfort comes from other women who have experienced miscarriage and dealt
with it in a healthy way.
» Reading books
on miscarriage may help you realize the feelings you're experiencing
are normal, and that the pain will lessen in time.
» There are several support groups online where you can add a
memorial to your baby.
It also helps to read through
others' experiences when you are ready.
» Remember that you are not
alone.
» Really take care of yourself. You deserve
it!
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Apart from the
emotional trauma of expecting and then losing your baby, your body has been
adapting to the changes of pregnancy and has to return to normal.
Most
physicians recommend that you give your body at least six to eight weeks to
return to normal. If you choose, you can safely start trying to conceive again
once you have had at least one normal period. But remember to make sure you are
ready emotionally as well as physically.
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